Once, in what must surely have been one of the darkest, largest, and strangest of all forests, in olden times or in those even older, there lived a cruel old mother in a hovel with a daughter she called Nothing-Good – and she called her by this name because, in the mother’s opinion, nothing good or helpful, or at any rate very little, had ever come of her existence. To call her own daughter this was surely the greatest mark of the woman’s cruelty; yet in honesty, the name was not entirely unearned, for whenever the daughter was set to sweeping, or sewing, or cooking, or feeding the chickens, or gathering walnuts and raspberries from the forest, seldom was the task ever seen through to the end, for almost always would Nothing-Good begin talking to herself, or to some creature in the woods, or perhaps to someone or something that only she could hear or see, and soon the girl would lose herself in her imaginings entirely. The old widowed mother, who was growing steadily poorer over the years, would often curse her daughter’s distraction and laziness and proclaim: “You will be the death of us both, Nothing-Good!”
One day, after the last chicken had been slaughtered and roasted and eaten and the last egg gobbled up, the old woman said to her daughter:
“Now, you must take this basket into the forest and fill it to the brim with walnuts and raspberries by suppertime; and if you do not, I shall throw you into the oven and then have you for supper!”
And Nothing-Good, quite alarmed, went about looking for nuts and berries. This time she really did try to complete her task without too much time wasted – but try as she might, she couldn’t find very many things to eat; and as the woods began to darken she saw she didn’t even have enough to cover the bottom of her basket. So she sat down by a stream and started to cry.
“You look like you are in trouble,” said a voice.
Nothing-Good looked around. With astonishment, she saw a little bearded man sitting on a toadstool. He had a red peaked cap, a yellow checkered vest, and a green jacket and trousers, and could not have stood more than ten inches high, had he been standing, that is.
“Who might you be?” asked the girl.
“I will ask first,” said the little man. “Who might you be?”
“I am a little girl,” said Nothing-Good.
“Evidently,” said the man. “And I am Sebastian – Sebastian the Elf. As I say, you look like you are in trouble.”
“So I am,” said Nothing-Good. “I am to fill this basket with walnuts and raspberries before suppertime, or my mother will cook and eat me; but as you see I have found hardly anything.”
The little elf stroked his beard and looked into the basket. “You know, I just may be able to help you,” Sebastian said, and seemingly out of nowhere he produced a small wand.
“This is a switching wand,” he said. “With it, you can switch bodies with anyone you can see, if you wave it and say:
Oh magic wand,
These words do heed:
Make me that person,
And that person me!”
“Will that really work?” asked Nothing-Good, taking the wand.
“Certainly it will,” said Sebastian. “Once your mother throws you into the oven, and before she shuts the lid, look at her and wave the wand and say what I have told you. You will be her, and she will be you; and she will be the one who roasts in the fire, and you will be outside, safe and sound.”
Nothing-Good looked at the wand with awe. “Will you want it back afterwards?”
“No, no, it is yours to keep,” said the elf. “But I should tell you, if you use the wand three times, then I shall come to ask a favor. Good day.” And in hardly more time than it takes to sneeze, the little fellow was gone.
Nothing-Good went home with her wand and her basket.
“Is your basket full of walnuts and raspberries?” asked her mother.
“No, it isn’t,” said Nothing-Good.
“Then into the oven you go!” declared the cruel woman.
As the flames began to lick Nothing-Good, and just before her mother shut the oven lid, the little girl waved her wand and said:
“Oh magic wand,
These words do heed:
Make me that person,
And that person me!”
And in a trice, Nothing-Good became the mother, with all her appearance and clothes, outside the oven – but still holding the wand – and the mother became Nothing-Good, within.
Nothing-Good shut the lid of the oven and laughed as the shrieks that might have been hers rose higher and higher, and then left the forest and went into town.
“I shall try to find someone I would very much like to trade places with,” she thought.
Nothing-Good saw many rich traders and many fine lords and ladies in town, but each time she thought of switching, she said to herself: “No, I can do better.”
At last she came to a crowd milling about before a wall with one window.
“What is everyone gathered here for?” Nothing-Good asked someone.
“We are waiting for the princess to appear,” said the someone. “Time and again she comes here to throw presents to us.”
Sure enough, soon a very beautiful princess appeared at the window and began throwing small gifts to the crowd. Nothing-Good waved her wand and said:
“Oh magic wand,
These words do heed:
Make me that person,
And that person me!”
And suddenly Nothing-Good was at the window, looking just like the princess, smiling and tossing presents – but still holding her wand. Down below, she could see her mother, or what looked like her, seeming very confused and baffled, wandering about. Nothing-Good laughed again.
All that evening, the princess who looked like Nothing-Good’s mother wandered about town, trying to convince everyone of who she really was, but everyone only said to her: “Go back to your hovel to sew and sweep, old woman.”
Nothing-Good explored the palace, as happy as a clam. In her bedroom, she saw Sebastian standing on a window-ledge.
“Are you content, little girl?” he asked.
“Oh, very!” said Nothing-Good. “I do not see how I could be happier. Why should I ever wish to switch again? Your favor, whatever it is, I shall never have to do.”
“We shall see,” said Sebastian, and disappeared.
Time passed, and Nothing-Good wished to marry a handsome man who would be her prince.
“Bring all the handsomest young men of the kingdom to my court!” she ordered from her throne, holding her wand.
And all the handsomest young men of the kingdom were brought to her court, dozens and dozens and dozens of them, until at last Nothing-Good discovered one who seemed so handsome she simply must marry him.
“Tell that one that it is him I shall wed,” she commanded.
But the princess, as fate would have it, was rebuffed! – for the young man in question had eyes only for one of the ladies-in-waiting whom he had seen at court.
Nothing-Good fumed in frustration, hemmed and hawed, thought one way and then another. “If I switch again, then Sebastian will come to claim his favor, and what it will be I do not know,” she thought. “But perhaps it will only be a small favor, after all. And I simply must, must be married to that handsome young man whom I love!”
So at her first opportunity, Nothing-Good switched bodies with the lady-in-waiting; and it was not long before she was married to the handsome young man.
Very soon, when she was alone, Sebastian appeared in her chamber.
“What is it you wish me to do?” she asked.
“Well, here’s the thing,” said Sebastian. “A few centuries ago, my cousin Reginald borrowed a pipe from me and never returned it. I want you to go get it back from him.”
“Is that all?” asked Nothing-Good. “Why haven’t you just gotten it yourself?”
Sebastian grinned uncomfortably. “Reginald’s a little bit bigger than I am,” he said. “And he’s not often in a very good mood. I think it’s best if you get the pipe.”
“Just out of curiosity – what if I refuse?” said Nothing-Good, folding her arms.
“Then,” declared Sebastian, “I shall send you back to whom and where you were when we first met: back to the bank of that stream when you had not even enough food to cover the bottom of your basket – but without me around to help you. That is your choice: bring me my pipe, or back you go!”
Nothing-Good sighed. “Where might I find Reginald?”
“Go to that very same place by the stream,” said the elf, “and then walk up the closest mountain, and then down the other side, and then halfway up again. Under a large toadstool is where Reginald lives. Give the door a right good kick and say very loudly: ‘Hullo, Reginald!’ That is what you should do… Oh, and one other thing: You must bring the pipe back to me all on your own, or the favor won’t count.”
Nothing-Good promised her husband she would be back in hardly more time than it takes to hiccup, and did as she was bidden: up she went over that mountain, and down the other side, and then went halfway up again. At the toadstool she kicked the door and called: “Hullo, Reginald!”
A large elf who did not seem very friendly appeared.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I am one of the princess’s ladies-in-waiting,” said Nothing-Good.
“Evidently,” said Reginald (for she was wearing her rich court gown). “What do you want?”
“Your cousin Sebastian sent me to get his pipe back,” said Nothing-Good. “I owe him a favor.”
“Oh, the pipe,” said Reginald. “Well, unfortunately, I lost it.”
“You lost it!” exclaimed Nothing-Good. “Oh, dear. Don’t you have any idea where it is?”
“Maybe,” said the elf. “One day I had the Pack-Rat over for company, and I think after that the pipe was gone. Try asking among the mice and rats of the forest for him.”
So Nothing-Good set about asking the mice and rats if any of them knew of a pack-rat with a pipe. Soon she found the rodent who had visited Reginald.
“Yeah, about that,” said the Pack-Rat. “I lost it too. I was doing my spring cleaning, putting everything out on the front lawn, when I heard an owl hoot and it startled me. I bumped the pipe, and it rolled downhill until it fell into a stream and a fish swallowed it. I think he was heading down to Large Lake. If you ask the fish there, someone might know who has the pipe in his stomach.”
Nothing-Good went down to the shore of Large Lake and asked a passing fish if he knew of any of his kind who’d complained of a stomachache.
“Hang on a second,” said the fish, and swam below.
“Yeah, that was Terrence,” said the fish when he came back up. “Everyone says it was a pipe he swallowed. Unfortunately the Enormous Eagle swooped down and caught him about a week ago.”
“Could you tell me where I’d find the Enormous Eagle?” asked Nothing-Good.
“Over yonder, at the top of the tallest tree,” said the fish.
A weary Nothing-Good slowly climbed the tallest tree by the lake, and at the top asked the Enormous Eagle if he had found a pipe inside a fish he had caught.
“Yes,” said the eagle. “I threw the pipe down there, among the rocks.”
Nothing-Good climbed back down the tree, and searched and searched… until at last she found the pipe, broken in many pieces.
Just then, the Cruel Troll of the Mountains caught up Nothing-Good and bore her away to his lair. Nothing-Good bit and cursed like a she-devil.
“Oh, what a fine stew you’ll make, girlie!” said the troll, starting a fire under a large cauldron. And the creature sang:
“A pinch of spice
Will make so nice
This little lassie
So smart and sassy!”
“Ho ho, you’re in a heap of trouble now, aren’t you!” came the annoying voice of Sebastian. Amazed, Nothing-Good saw the little elf standing on his head on top of the troll’s kitchen hutch.
“Sebastian!” Nothing-Good called. “Help me! Your pipe’s just outside, I can show you! Just break my chains!”
“Sorry, but that would be cheating,” said Sebastian. “You have to bring the pipe back to me all on your own, remember?”
“But the troll’s going to eat me!” exclaimed the girl. “Look, he’s sharpening his butchering knife!”
“The only way I can help you,” said the elf, “is if you choose to go back to when and where we first met.”
Nothing-Good wailed, and implored the heavens. “Oh, all I ever wanted was to marry a handsome man and to be happy and comfortable! Why must everything be so complicated? Who are you, anyway, Sebastian?”
But the little elf only smiled and shrugged (shrugged as well as one is able while standing on one’s head, that is). The troll was humming happily, and turned to Nothing-Good with a hungry look.
“Fine, fine, send me back, Sebastian, send me back!” cried the girl.
“Right oh, then!” said the elf. He flipped upright, and the next thing the girl knew, she was back by the stream deep in the forest, late in the evening, with all her old clothes and looks. But no little man sat on the toadstool in front of her.
“I can’t go back to my house, or my mother will eat me,” Nothing-Good thought. “I shall just go hide, deep in the darkest place in the woods, and fend for myself.”
And so she did, and that night found a place to sleep under many boughs, far deeper in the tangled wilderness than she had ever been.
The next morning she went searching for food, and – what would you know? – she found not only many walnuts and raspberries, but many mushrooms and roots as well.
“I shall make my home here,” the girl thought, “and keep far away from my cruel mother. I wonder if this is a blessed place – and whether I shall ever see another soul again.”
And in that place in the strange woods did Nothing-Good, neither very happy nor very sad, build her hovel and cook her stew in a hollow rock over a fire. And ever, while she was not busy, did she spy from her one little window, keeping an eye out not just for her cruel mother, who might be wandering through the woods looking for her, but also for Sebastian the Elf, and indeed for any other being that might come across her in the middle of the thick, shadowy forest.